The Big Bad Teenager
I’ve had the experience of working with hundreds of teenagers throughout my career. Obviously, most would say it takes a special person to choose to work with teenagers. I agree 100%. What I can say after working with teenagers over the past eight years is that they get a bad rap. Often a “troubled” teenager has some great traits that very few people may be willing or able to recognize. I’ve heard teenager after teenager tell me “I know Miss I’m bad”. My response, “No one is bad”. My belief has been and always will be that humans are dynamic in nature and so many of us choose to “match energy”.
Think of a time as a teenager when an adult spoke to you as if you were beneath them. It has likely happened to most, if not all, of us. Try to remember how you felt when an adult spoke to you as if you were a small child even though you were already a teenager. I know when it happened to me I was enraged and wanted to lash out. For me, it didn’t help that I was that angry child who believed I had to fight and yell to get my point across. I had no idea I really feeling worthless, helpless and disrespected. The funny thing is teenagers haven’t typically learned the “feelings” language unless they have a parent is a therapist or has had therapy in the past. It doesn’t matter what gender they are, often teenagers’ feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt, helplessness are confused for the big bad word: ANGER.
As a therapist, time and time again during a family therapy session a parent’s eyes open wide with bewilderment and confusion when, for the first time, they hear and understand their teenager’s “bad” behavior was directly connected to a past trauma. Once teenagers begin to know and express their feelings without blaming others for their behavior, the healing begins. It isn’t an easy process because long time secrets come out, honest emotions are shared making for a painful and difficult process for everyone involved. The hardest part of family therapy is changing the mindset the teenager is “the problem” in the family. Everyone in the family ends up having to do the hard work and evaluate how they have taken part in the family dynamic.
Expressing feelings in a healthy way is a learned behavior just as expressing feelings in an unhealthy way. No matter how you slice it though, teenagers aren’t “bad”. They may be misunderstood, pre-judged and dismissed according to what they’re wearing, saying and behaving. As adults, it’s a slippery slope to walk when you come across a teenager and pre-judges them. The reality is, we don’t know their story that lead them to behave “badly”. Teenagers are our future so the best way to approach them is speak life and positivity into them. Give them a chance to show you they aren’t all that “bad” after all. Even if they don’t quite see it in themself. You’ll be surprised what you discover once you bring down your guard and provide them a safe space to be their authentic, genuine self. Call me an optimist. Our teenagers need at least one person who believes in the good in them to be successful. Be that person.
